Everyone has
trials in life. No life is free of
pain, disappointment or hardship.
Life is messy… and amazing.
Life is fragile. A routine
tonsillectomy turns into a post-op bleed, and another, and a trip to the ER,
and another, and a lot of blood loss, and more, and another surgery, and
another, and medical professionals shaking their heads and offering little in
treatment options. This is my
daughter whose fragile life is in their hands.
It’s pretty scary
when there is little that you can do other than pray, ask questions, and stand
by her side through it all. I was
amazed at how strong and steady she was throughout this ordeal. My girl, with the weak stomach and
aversion to blood and needles, walked through that fire again and again, and
each time, she did it with more grace and steadiness than you would think
possible. She grew weary, but she
never gave up hope.
She was convinced
that something bigger was going on.
“God would not have me go through this over and over unless he was
trying to show us something else.”
To her, this meant something worse than bleeding… some other
illness. This came up just before
her last surgery, and her doctor said, “Hailey, I think a lot like you do, but
it could be something very different than what you’re thinking. Maybe I’m the one who needs to learn
something here. As doctors, we do
these surgeries all the time, and we know there are risks, but they’re rare,
and we don’t think they’ll occur with someone young and healthy like you.” (I’m paraphrasing here) “Maybe I need to put more emphasis on
the risks with the people that walk into my office.”
I’m convinced
there’s always something bigger going on.
I’m still looking for the lessons.
What shows up in me? I
trust in God. I trust that things
turn out the way they should in life, even when they seem to make no sense. But, I had a moment of intense fear
after her last surgery, thinking “what if”. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening, or
the potential of losing my daughter.
My trust fell short there.
If this was just “the way”, then fuck that, I need my daughter!
I know that every
day parents lose children.
Horrific things happen in this world, and we don’t know why. The best we can do is guess, and I’ve heard
far too many dumb-ass reasons why bad shit happens to entertain any guesswork. All that I can do is continue to
trust. About a year ago I had a
major life trauma. Just days
before it happened, I heard what I can only explain as the voice of God saying,
“Trust me”. Again, “Trust
me”. It seemed silly at the time,
because life couldn’t have been better.
That message is what got me through that storm, and it’s the same
message I tune into on any given day.
Today, my daughter drove herself to school. I’m thankful, I’m hopeful, and I'm trusting that the
lessons will reveal themselves in the right places, at the right moments. Thank you all for your prayers and support.
