Walking Through Fire

Everyone has trials in life.  No life is free of pain, disappointment or hardship.  Life is messy… and amazing.  Life is fragile.  A routine tonsillectomy turns into a post-op bleed, and another, and a trip to the ER, and another, and a lot of blood loss, and more, and another surgery, and another, and medical professionals shaking their heads and offering little in treatment options.  This is my daughter whose fragile life is in their hands. 

It’s pretty scary when there is little that you can do other than pray, ask questions, and stand by her side through it all.  I was amazed at how strong and steady she was throughout this ordeal.  My girl, with the weak stomach and aversion to blood and needles, walked through that fire again and again, and each time, she did it with more grace and steadiness than you would think possible.  She grew weary, but she never gave up hope. 

She was convinced that something bigger was going on.  “God would not have me go through this over and over unless he was trying to show us something else.”  To her, this meant something worse than bleeding… some other illness.  This came up just before her last surgery, and her doctor said, “Hailey, I think a lot like you do, but it could be something very different than what you’re thinking.  Maybe I’m the one who needs to learn something here.  As doctors, we do these surgeries all the time, and we know there are risks, but they’re rare, and we don’t think they’ll occur with someone young and healthy like you.”  (I’m paraphrasing here)  “Maybe I need to put more emphasis on the risks with the people that walk into my office.” 

I’m convinced there’s always something bigger going on.  I’m still looking for the lessons.  What shows up in me?  I trust in God.  I trust that things turn out the way they should in life, even when they seem to make no sense.  But, I had a moment of intense fear after her last surgery, thinking “what if”.  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening, or the potential of losing my daughter.  My trust fell short there.  If this was just “the way”, then fuck that, I need my daughter!

I know that every day parents lose children.  Horrific things happen in this world, and we don’t know why.  The best we can do is guess, and I’ve heard far too many dumb-ass reasons why bad shit happens to entertain any guesswork.  All that I can do is continue to trust.  About a year ago I had a major life trauma.  Just days before it happened, I heard what I can only explain as the voice of God saying, “Trust me”.  Again, “Trust me”.  It seemed silly at the time, because life couldn’t have been better.  That message is what got me through that storm, and it’s the same message I tune into on any given day.  Today, my daughter drove herself to school.  I’m thankful, I’m hopeful, and I'm trusting that the lessons will reveal themselves in the right places, at the right moments. Thank you all for your prayers and support.