A Ghost of Christmas Past

Tonight I received the best Christmas gift ever from a ghost of Christmas past.

My dad passed away 15 years ago, but tonight I read, for the first time, love letters he wrote to my mom starting back in 1978.  They were originally discovered a couple years ago when my mom’s health was declining.  I tucked them away, along with some old photographs.  When my mom passed away just over a year ago, I searched high and low for that package but couldn’t find it anywhere.  Yesterday, I found the box in my craft room, and as God would have it, they surfaced at the perfect time. 

The love letter writing started when my parents went to a Marriage Encounter weekend, a program designed to open up communication and strengthen relationships.  It was a genuine blessing for my parents.  My dad was a man of few words, and my mom didn’t have much of a filter.  This weekend sparked the beginning of much positive dialogue, and a deepening of love between the two of them.

Reading these tender words from my dad to my mom is priceless.  Each letter starts with a Marriage Encounter question that he chose.  One letter that struck me, had this question across the top of the page…

            If money were no object, what would you want for Christmas?

My dad basically wrote that he had given it a lot of thought and he couldn’t think of anything that he really wanted for himself. This alone says a lot about my dad.  He was a humble, simply happy soul.  He goes on to say that if he had more money he would like to give it to the needy, as there are so many in need in our world.  Then he finishes with this…

“Oh – I would like a card, from people that know me, saying these three words, ‘I Love You’.  If I got this, I would have everything, now and forever.”

Love.  That’s it.  To love and be loved, that’s what all human beings need. 

Now think of all the people in your life that you love.  Tell them.  Tell them now.  If not now, when?  Don’t be selfish with your proclamations.  If you feel it, say it. Say it even if it feels weird.  Write it in a love note.  Send it in a text.  Whatever works.  After reading my dad’s love note I immediately started texting some people that were on my cell phone’s recent text feed.  It felt like a good place to start.  There’s a song from my childhood that comes to mind with the lyrics “Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more”.  So true.  I received all sorts of responses back.  Lots of love, a lunch date with an old friend, and one “I actually really needed this, thank you.” 

I’m not done.  I never will be.  Giving and receiving love is what it’s all about.  These poignant love letters warmed my heart tonight.  My dad was pretty special.  I can’t wait to read more, fresh box of tissues in hand.  

Thanks for the Christmas gift dad.  I feel you.  I love you.

Chocolate Toffee Scones

This is not a food blog.  This is just a recipe.  A really good recipe that I make every now and then and inevitably get asked to share.  I'm all about sharing.  

Chocolate Toffee Scones

3 1/2 Cups flour

1/2 Cup sugar

1 Tablespoon + 1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 crushed Heath Bars

1/2 Cup toasted pecan pieces 

2 Cups whipping cream

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine all dry ingredients.  

Whip 2 Cups whipping cream and fold into dry ingredients.

Turn dough out onto lightly floured surface. 

Knead gently until soft dough forms and shape into a 5" wide x 1" thick strip. 

Cut rectangles, then halve into triangles. 

Place on lightly buttered cookie sheet. 

Brush with melted butter & sprinkle lightly with sugar. 

Bake until lightly brown, 15ish minutes. 

Fresh out of the oven, they are to die for.  Add a cup of coffee with a shot of Bailey's and you've got yourself a great morning.  

Enjoy.

I'm not gonna cry...(for long).

Howard Labadie was a merry old soul.  While I mourn the loss of one truly great man, I celebrate the life he lived so well.  These are some of the things that I will miss most about Howard…

That smile.

Everyone loved Howard.  Everyone.  He was always smiling… even when he was “resting his eyes”.  When you met Howard, you immediately felt his warmth and kindness.  He loved interacting with people, and was never lacking in the conversation department.  He had a way of always making you feel welcome and special.  His optimistic outlook on life was contagious, and his appreciation of the beauty in each day made you want to hang out with him. 

Those Howard-isms.

Howard loved sitting on the front porch overlooking Crystal Lake.  What a view!  He would say, “If you’re lucky enough to be at the cottage, you’re lucky enough.” 

Howard would say a lot of things over and over, especially the things that really resonated with him, or funny sayings… the “Howard-isms” as we call them. Eyes would roll, occasional protests grumbled as another line would make its way out, but we all secretly loved hearing him share them, over and over again.  



One of my favorite quotes regarding his membership at Crystal Downs, a rather exclusive country club designed by Alister Mackenzie was this, “I’m a member, but I don’t belong.”  

A simply great guy.
Howard was a humble man.  He enjoyed nice things, but it was the simple things in life that he really loved, like champagne cocktails at the cottage on Sunday afternoons, or smoking a cigar with the boys on the back deck while Judy served up some of her amazing hors d’oeuvres.  Ok, I guess “simple” is relative, but Howard came from simple beginnings, and while he enjoyed the richness of life, he knew that his greatest blessings were his loving wife and his beautiful family and friends.  

His tears.

Howard had battled with health issues for several years.  When faced with his own mortality, he became very cognizant of what really mattered in life.  He was quite emotional when it came to recognizing life’s blessings.  Howard couldn’t get through a toast without fighting back tears.  He choked up when talking about Judy, the love of his life.  His shoulders shook in silence when he tried to fight back the tears, and he would usually just give in to them.  I loved this most about Howard.  He was a deep, caring man with a huge heart. 

I could go on, but I'll end for now with a little prayer that Howard always added at the end of his pre-dinner grace.  We have made it our own, and we always think of "Grandpa Labadie" when we say it.

Howard, may your soul, and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.

Big love to the entire Labadie family.

Honoring Others

I read an entry in a daily meditation book today, written by a cancer survivor. 

He wrote this about how his way of being changed post-cancer…

I enter every meeting with another being saying to myself, “If I only have this time on earth with this person, if I may never see them again, what is it I want or need to ask, to know?  What is it I want or need to say?”

This is quite the opposite of how most of us live.  We fully expect to see our friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances again and again.  Think of your day today.  Who did you meet?  Who did you speak to?  How would your conversation have gone if you knew today were your last encounter?  What would you have said or asked? 

Here are a few of my encounters from today, and some things I would have said…

family next to me in church –We really didn’t have time to visit, but your family is beautiful.  Your little toddler girls swaying together to the music were so sweet to watch, and your adorable baby boy with the huge brown eyes that sparkle made me wish we never lost that spirit of pure love.  As I stood next to my 20 year old, 5’ 10” daughter, all that I could think of is the song “Don’t Blink”.  Enjoy every minute.

Mona – Thank you.  Thank you for always giving, going the extra mile, and smiling.  You always have the most warm, welcoming smile.  You do so much for our church and our community, with so much grace and humility.  You are an inspiration.

Michelle – I don’t really “know-know” you, but I feel like I’ve known you all my life.  You are funny, kind, generous, and just great to be around.  You are an amazing mom, and that is clearly your most cherished role in life.  Trust yourself.  You’re doing great.  Keep being and sharing your awesomeness.

Amanda – It is so cool to watch you teach.  You teach like you live… really open to experience fully whatever the moment brings.  I love how engaged you are, how funny you are, and how you live and love this life.  Keep growing and living big!

Lindsay – My funky friend.  You always make me smile, or crack me up… usually both.  You know that I think you’re amazing.  I know that you know that we’re both exactly where we’re meant to be.  I’m just glad to call you my friend.  Firework. That’s you.  Shine on.

My kids – (I can’t say all that I want to say in this blog.  My kids would kill me, or die of embarrassment.)  I love each one of you beyond words.  Being your mom is the greatest gift.  I mean that.  You probably can’t fully get that until you become a parent, but it’s true.  Always choose love over fear.  Trust yourselves, you’re awesome.  Do what you love.  Know that all that you need is already within you.  Keep the faith.

I love you Hailey.  I love you Reid.  I love you Carter. 

Who did you encounter today? How would your exchange have been different if it were the last time you ever saw them?  What might you have said/asked? 

I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  Imagine that every person you meet has something to share with you to help you on your journey.  Imagine that you could help, through word or deed, each person you encounter.  What if that were your purpose?  How would that change how you see and interact with others?  Honor the exchanges, even the little ones.  Every life matters.  Every person could use a lift from time to time.  Be the one.  Make a difference.  Today.

Trust

I’ve been thinking a lot about trust these days.  I’m a pretty trusting person.  I tend to take people for their word.  I’ve always been someone who says what I mean, I speak the truth, and I hold the same expectation of others.  I know that isn’t always the case.  I trust anyway.

I am very trustworthy.  I'm a good listener, and people trust me with their innermost thoughts.  Those who know me well, know and trust that what they share with me stays with me.  There are very few people of whom I trust completely.  I actually think this is as it should be. 

Then there’s trust at the deepest level.  Reliance.  When you don’t even consider the matter of trust, because you just know.  Through a deep connection, you rely, trust, from your core. 

When basic trust is broken, say, an untruth spoken, 

I can usually see behind the scenes, some insecurity, pain, or brokenness.  I try not to take it personally.  I push back my trust zone for that individual, but I go on trusting people.

When trust is violated at the deepest level, it can totally rock your world.  It has.  But how has it changed how I trust people?  I don’t know if I can fully answer that question.  Right now, I can say that trust is a choice.  Choosing to not trust people just isn’t even in my DNA.  I may listen with a more cautious ear, or unconsciously go along with what you might say to me, even if I’m not completely trusting it as truth. 

I’ve had trust violated in long-term friendships and relationships.  This kind of violation shakes me to my core.  In some cases, it’s a deal-breaker. It can forever change the way I trust that person, but it doesn’t change how I trust all people.  I still choose trust.  You extend it, nurture it, and grow it into something deep and meaningful.  Some may say that if you can’t trust someone you’ve known intimately for years, you can’t trust anyone.  The way I see it is, you have to start any relationship with trust, an openness to what is possible.  I won’t allow my faith in humanity to be broken by the imperfections of human beings. 

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”  Amen Ernie.  Open up and trust.  It’s the only way to live this beautiful, messy, unpredictable life. 

Don’t just do something, sit there.

Yogic transformation.  Inquiry. Inquiry. Inquiry.  Spend a week dedicated to inquiry, meditation and practice, and you’re likely going to see some aspects of self that could use some fixing.  I just spent a week at Menla Mountain Retreat for Baptiste Power Yoga Institute Level 2 Teacher Training.  So what did I learn?...

I am a concern for looking good.  Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me?

It’s the unanswerable question that I take with me all…of…the time.  We all have one that plays in the background of our minds.  Am I good enough?  Do I belong here? Just give it a little thought.  Bam, there it is.  And how ridiculous it sounds. Even more ridiculous is how we fuel the need to know the answer to that question.  It forms how we listen, speak, interact, our way of being, and it doesn’t mean squat. 

We have this crazy need for everything to mean something.  Try this on.  Remove meaning, judgment, significance, and just be with your experience.  We humans are so good at creating story around EVERYthing.  We can add meaning to the way someone looks at you, or doesn’t, what someone said, or didn’t.  We create reality out of bullshit stories. 

So, how to “fix” you?  Start by not trying to fix anything. When you know yourself, you can shift patterns… transform. Real transformation is the ability to let things be.  Observe, see how things show up, be in the moment with your experience without past cluttering your view.  Let it be.  Now, drop the past and all those “I’m this way” stories, and choose a new way of being.  Grounded being. Clear slate. Be in the now, and you’ll know how. 

This present moment. It’s all that we have, moment by moment.  The more present we are, as teacher, parent, friend, human being, the richer our lives will become.  Only then can you really experience the experience.  I taught two classes yesterday, and I’ve never felt more grounded and present with my students.  Each and every one.  This is a great gift.

Level 2 was full of lots of other nuggets, insights and truths.  The coolest thing about the experience was getting to know some pretty amazing people on their journey, sharing from their essence, making the program so powerful.  Witnessing transformation before your eyes is so incredible.  I shed a lot of tears, and my capacity to love and let people in has expanded.  Playing small and holding back are simply not options anymore. 

Right now, my new way of being is of strength and possibility.  I’m giving up the lies that I’m alone, and I’m not good enough.  Screw that!  This is who I am. 
(Level 2 declaration, pre Magic Carpet Ride!)

Enjoy the Ride

I’ve always said that life is a rollercoaster.  Take in each moment as it comes.  Savor the good times, and when the shit hits the fan, keep moving forward… it will get better. 

I’ve been in transition over the last 18 months, becoming more alive, aware and present in body and mind.  My daughter caught me one morning, lost in the moment, looking out into our backyard with a peaceful, happy gaze.  “What are you smiling about?”, she asked.  I didn’t even realize I was smiling.  It’s just that I was so completely happy.  Life was good.  Family was good.  Future was good.  I told her that I was just taking it all in, with gratitude, because I know that life is full of ups and downs, and I was loving the moment. 

That was six months ago.  Just a couple weeks after that, my world was completely turned upside down.  Shattered.  I can only compare it to a sudden death of a loved one.  Slowly, I’ve been picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of it all.  I’m not going to share the details of my personal tragedy, as I don’t believe it serves any good purpose.  We all go through shit in our lives.  While it’s important to have someone close to talk to, it’s not cool to air your dirty laundry in public.

It’s not the first time I’ve had a “holy-shit-this-cannot-possibly-be-my-life” kind of event. When I was 30 I became a single mom of 2 beautiful, young children.   I spent a lot of time asking “Why me?”   “What had I done…what had my kids done to deserve this?”  Now, I’m sad, I hurt, but I have far too much love in me and around me to dwell on the sadness and pain.  The growth I’ve experienced over the past 18 months has given me the ability to see beyond circumstances.  My faith is strong.  My future is bright.  More importantly is this present moment, because that’s all we really ever have.  Right now is what’s real.  Right now life is good.  Right now has it’s share of headaches and heartaches, but fully feeling them is good.  Right now I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my teachers, my guardian angel, and the spirit of the living God that is alive and well within me.  Even in shitty circumstances, I just can’t help but shine. 

Then, I’ll get a call from a friend, and from a loving place they’ll ask how I’m doing.  Sometimes that’s all it takes and I’m a puddle.  Not of sadness, but of love.  My teacher Kerri described it perfectly… “It’s like pouring love into a wound.”  It is exactly that.  My life is so richly blessed with amazing people.  Just when I need it, I am touched by a friend, or a stranger, or a reading that totally speaks to me.  I believe those connections and messages are there for all of us if we are open to them.  That’s the way this crazy universe works.  So, forward I go, heart wide open.  The coaster is clicking its way up to the top of a hill and I can’t see the tracks ahead, but I’m confident it’s going to be one amazing ride. 

This photo is of my incredibly beautiful & talented daughter Hailey.  

She has a big heart, and this pic is a great reminder to lead with your heart. 

Getting Real at Level One

I just spent a week in Sedona at yoga teacher training with Barron Baptiste. 

Why?  I’m a commitment for growth.  I want to teach.  I want to live big, be awesome, and not hold back in life. 

The heart of this training is all about inquiry.  You dig deep and get real about where you are and where you want to be in life.  What are you afraid of?  What are you hiding from?  Where are you stuck?  What’s missing in your life? If you really take on these questions honestly, it’s a painfully beautiful unearthing and opening up of your heart and soul that leaves you perfectly empty, yet full of life’s richness and possibility. 

Wait, that says nothing about teaching yoga, right?  Yes, you learn Baptiste sequence, flow, and technique.   You practice teaching, and you break down essential cues and language. My teacher “tool belt” is full of great new ways to help students land in their bodies, expand their strength and deepen their practice.  But that’s kind of the side-dish of this journey.  The meat & potatoes (or eggs and avocado, as it were) was all about transformation, and I both experienced it and witnessed it on many levels that week. 

My life is in transition.  This training helped me open up and release pain, face my fears, and let go of knowing what my future will look like.  By letting go and being empty, you make room for grace.  Now, this moment, is all any of us really have.  I recognized where in my life I’m not being present.  I’ve got some work to do, and I’m facing my fears head on.  

It feels good. 

Practice.  Yoga is a practice, and we had plenty of it in Sedona.  The sweat and exhaustion of Barron’s kick-your-asana practice created a real physical sense of being present in my body.  It released stuck energy and left me feeling strong and powerful.  After Thursday’s practice, I think I felt every… single… cell in my body.   

It. Was. Awesome.

The really cool thing about transformation is that it’s like throwing a pebble into a lake.  

One life is changed and ca-plunk… the ripple in the water begins, and keeps spreading out, touching lives as it expands outward.  I met so many amazing people from all around the world.  I learned that while we all have different life experiences, we can all relate to the same emotions of the human experience.  It was an honor to be a part of Sedona Level 1, 2012.  I can only imagine the kind of ripple effect that will grow out of this group.

So, now what?  Right now I am present to the experience of peace.  I’m feeling grounded, ready to move forward.  I was just asked to join the amazing teaching team at The Funky Buddha.  I’m a yes.  I’m ready now.  I’m so honored to be able to share the gift of yoga.  My new way of being is of power.  I’m giving up the lie that I’m unprepared and I’m not good enough.  Because, hell… I’m awesome. 
P.S. So are you.  Go be awesomer.

Is it weird that I like to hang out with old people?

Elderly, sick, and dying people may not sound like a fun demographic to be around, but that’s not how I see it.  Each opportunity to spend time with someone in need is an opportunity for grace and enlightenment.  Every life has a story, and every encounter is ripe with possibility. 

Most of my connections come via Faith Hospice.  A homebound person in the community who needs a visitor, a nursing home patient who wants to connect with the outside world, a Faith Hospice resident who wants to receive Holy Eucharist… these are the scattered blessings in my life. 

You begin by emptying your cup.  As much as you might think you have something to give that the person might need, you enter each home, each room, with no agenda.  That’s pretty frightening at first.  We feel like we ought to share some wisdom, bring cheer, offer advice, but the only way to truly be there for someone is with an open heart and an empty cup. 

One of my favorite bible verses is Psalm 46:10, Be still and know that I am God.  I once had someone suggest I break the verse down, to its essence, and feel how powerful so few words can be.

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know

Be still

Be.

I think of this verse often when I’m about to meet a new patient.  Empty cup, be still, Be.  What I find so beautiful is the authenticity of Hospice patients and their closest loved ones.  They open their hearts to me, a total stranger.  They share their lives, their losses, their loves… and even though I’m supposed to be the “giver”, my cup fills up, and sometimes my eyes well up.  Even through the difficult times, life is beautiful. 

Next week I get to meet a new patient for the first time.  She’s 98, still living in her own home, along with her daughter.  She wants to play cribbage.  The request went like this… “If they don’t know how to play cribbage, I’ll be happy to teach them.”  How cool is that?  

I get to be taught something from someone who has been on this earth for 98 years.  I can only hope that I have that same spirit when/if I get to be that old.  What's her story? What little treasures will she share?  How much time will we have together?  Can you see why I get excited about these encounters? 

Empty cup. Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Just be.

Love this moment.

Me & my handsome boys, July 2011.

When I reflect back on 2011, it has been a pretty amazing year.  My life is richly blessed with the stuff that matters. 

It’s been a year of growth, loss and new beginnings.  I’ve recognized that one of life’s greatest gifts is the ability to feel.  To genuinely feel the range of emotions in life and appreciate them for what they are.  I think it comes from being fully engaged in life and being ok with feeling the bad, the uncomfortable, the pain, along with the good, joyful moments in life.  I recognize that the moments that have been the most challenging… the ones that I would have avoided given the chance, have been moments of great growth.  So, I am thankful, yes, thankful for the challenges, the pain, and the injuries.  All these things have made me more real.  I’m changed, and change is good.  If you’re not growing & changing, you’re stuck.  I still have a lot to learn, so I welcome life’s challenges because this year is going to be a BIG year of growth.

Yoga.  I can’t say enough about how cool this practice is.  And by the way, it’s a practice, not a religion.  It’s a way of living, an amazing physical discipline that will make you feel, really feel incredible.   It’s a spiritual journey that is what you make it.  I thank God each day for the breath of life, the breath that carries and sustains me.  Yoga gets you out of your head and into the flow of life, one breath at a time.  Some of my greatest gifts this year were born of yoga.  I’m a little more patient, a little less judgmental, and a little more grounded.  All beautiful gifts to me and those around me.  Yogis are good people.  This year I’ve made some of the most amazing friends through my studio.  They are both friends and teachers, because they all teach me things on a regular basis like how to give, share, laugh at yourself, make an impact, open your mind and open your heart.  Yogis rule.

In a couple short weeks I’ll begin training to teach yoga.  This is both terrifying and thrilling at the same time.  Yoga has made such a positive impact on my life, and I want to share the love.  Something tells me I will be like a rock thrown into a tumbler.  Shaken up, rolled over and over, painful at times, but in the end, a smooth & shiny teacher will emerge.  I’m ready now.  Bring on the training!

Probably the most significant event of this past year was being present through my mom’s last week of life.  I can’t say it was a best or worst moment.  I cried.  I felt both sadness and joy.  It was beautiful.  Life is beautiful.  There is something sacred about being with someone during their last days.  It’s just you and God.  You can feel the closeness and the grace of God.  I felt it in a big way with my mom, and I feel it every week when I’m visiting at Faith Hospice.  I so love my time spent at Faith Hospice.  It is such a gift each and every time.  A “wow” gift.  Kind of like Steve Jobs’ last words… “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” 

In 2012 I want less stuff and more stuff that matters.  I like nice things as much as the next person, but we Americans have way too much stuff.  I will live with less and sponsor a child in need.  Check out Katie’s story: http://www.amazima.org/katiesstory.html

Better yet, read her book, Kisses from Katie, and prepare to be wowed over one amazing young woman and the impact she is making in Uganda.

What I want more of this year is something I want for me and for everyone - more patience, more love, and more presence. 

Be kind to yourself and others, be quick to forgive, replace fear and judgment with love, and live in the moment.  Those little moments are the significant ones, so don’t rush, breathe deeply, live fully.  Love this moment.  It’s all we have.