Walking Through Fire

Everyone has trials in life.  No life is free of pain, disappointment or hardship.  Life is messy… and amazing.  Life is fragile.  A routine tonsillectomy turns into a post-op bleed, and another, and a trip to the ER, and another, and a lot of blood loss, and more, and another surgery, and another, and medical professionals shaking their heads and offering little in treatment options.  This is my daughter whose fragile life is in their hands. 

It’s pretty scary when there is little that you can do other than pray, ask questions, and stand by her side through it all.  I was amazed at how strong and steady she was throughout this ordeal.  My girl, with the weak stomach and aversion to blood and needles, walked through that fire again and again, and each time, she did it with more grace and steadiness than you would think possible.  She grew weary, but she never gave up hope. 

She was convinced that something bigger was going on.  “God would not have me go through this over and over unless he was trying to show us something else.”  To her, this meant something worse than bleeding… some other illness.  This came up just before her last surgery, and her doctor said, “Hailey, I think a lot like you do, but it could be something very different than what you’re thinking.  Maybe I’m the one who needs to learn something here.  As doctors, we do these surgeries all the time, and we know there are risks, but they’re rare, and we don’t think they’ll occur with someone young and healthy like you.”  (I’m paraphrasing here)  “Maybe I need to put more emphasis on the risks with the people that walk into my office.” 

I’m convinced there’s always something bigger going on.  I’m still looking for the lessons.  What shows up in me?  I trust in God.  I trust that things turn out the way they should in life, even when they seem to make no sense.  But, I had a moment of intense fear after her last surgery, thinking “what if”.  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening, or the potential of losing my daughter.  My trust fell short there.  If this was just “the way”, then fuck that, I need my daughter!

I know that every day parents lose children.  Horrific things happen in this world, and we don’t know why.  The best we can do is guess, and I’ve heard far too many dumb-ass reasons why bad shit happens to entertain any guesswork.  All that I can do is continue to trust.  About a year ago I had a major life trauma.  Just days before it happened, I heard what I can only explain as the voice of God saying, “Trust me”.  Again, “Trust me”.  It seemed silly at the time, because life couldn’t have been better.  That message is what got me through that storm, and it’s the same message I tune into on any given day.  Today, my daughter drove herself to school.  I’m thankful, I’m hopeful, and I'm trusting that the lessons will reveal themselves in the right places, at the right moments. Thank you all for your prayers and support.  

A Ghost of Christmas Past

Tonight I received the best Christmas gift ever from a ghost of Christmas past.

My dad passed away 15 years ago, but tonight I read, for the first time, love letters he wrote to my mom starting back in 1978.  They were originally discovered a couple years ago when my mom’s health was declining.  I tucked them away, along with some old photographs.  When my mom passed away just over a year ago, I searched high and low for that package but couldn’t find it anywhere.  Yesterday, I found the box in my craft room, and as God would have it, they surfaced at the perfect time. 

The love letter writing started when my parents went to a Marriage Encounter weekend, a program designed to open up communication and strengthen relationships.  It was a genuine blessing for my parents.  My dad was a man of few words, and my mom didn’t have much of a filter.  This weekend sparked the beginning of much positive dialogue, and a deepening of love between the two of them.

Reading these tender words from my dad to my mom is priceless.  Each letter starts with a Marriage Encounter question that he chose.  One letter that struck me, had this question across the top of the page…

            If money were no object, what would you want for Christmas?

My dad basically wrote that he had given it a lot of thought and he couldn’t think of anything that he really wanted for himself. This alone says a lot about my dad.  He was a humble, simply happy soul.  He goes on to say that if he had more money he would like to give it to the needy, as there are so many in need in our world.  Then he finishes with this…

“Oh – I would like a card, from people that know me, saying these three words, ‘I Love You’.  If I got this, I would have everything, now and forever.”

Love.  That’s it.  To love and be loved, that’s what all human beings need. 

Now think of all the people in your life that you love.  Tell them.  Tell them now.  If not now, when?  Don’t be selfish with your proclamations.  If you feel it, say it. Say it even if it feels weird.  Write it in a love note.  Send it in a text.  Whatever works.  After reading my dad’s love note I immediately started texting some people that were on my cell phone’s recent text feed.  It felt like a good place to start.  There’s a song from my childhood that comes to mind with the lyrics “Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more”.  So true.  I received all sorts of responses back.  Lots of love, a lunch date with an old friend, and one “I actually really needed this, thank you.” 

I’m not done.  I never will be.  Giving and receiving love is what it’s all about.  These poignant love letters warmed my heart tonight.  My dad was pretty special.  I can’t wait to read more, fresh box of tissues in hand.  

Thanks for the Christmas gift dad.  I feel you.  I love you.

Chocolate Toffee Scones

This is not a food blog.  This is just a recipe.  A really good recipe that I make every now and then and inevitably get asked to share.  I'm all about sharing.  

Chocolate Toffee Scones

3 1/2 Cups flour

1/2 Cup sugar

1 Tablespoon + 1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 crushed Heath Bars

1/2 Cup toasted pecan pieces 

2 Cups whipping cream

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine all dry ingredients.  

Whip 2 Cups whipping cream and fold into dry ingredients.

Turn dough out onto lightly floured surface. 

Knead gently until soft dough forms and shape into a 5" wide x 1" thick strip. 

Cut rectangles, then halve into triangles. 

Place on lightly buttered cookie sheet. 

Brush with melted butter & sprinkle lightly with sugar. 

Bake until lightly brown, 15ish minutes. 

Fresh out of the oven, they are to die for.  Add a cup of coffee with a shot of Bailey's and you've got yourself a great morning.  

Enjoy.

I'm not gonna cry...(for long).

Howard Labadie was a merry old soul.  While I mourn the loss of one truly great man, I celebrate the life he lived so well.  These are some of the things that I will miss most about Howard…

That smile.

Everyone loved Howard.  Everyone.  He was always smiling… even when he was “resting his eyes”.  When you met Howard, you immediately felt his warmth and kindness.  He loved interacting with people, and was never lacking in the conversation department.  He had a way of always making you feel welcome and special.  His optimistic outlook on life was contagious, and his appreciation of the beauty in each day made you want to hang out with him. 

Those Howard-isms.

Howard loved sitting on the front porch overlooking Crystal Lake.  What a view!  He would say, “If you’re lucky enough to be at the cottage, you’re lucky enough.” 

Howard would say a lot of things over and over, especially the things that really resonated with him, or funny sayings… the “Howard-isms” as we call them. Eyes would roll, occasional protests grumbled as another line would make its way out, but we all secretly loved hearing him share them, over and over again.  



One of my favorite quotes regarding his membership at Crystal Downs, a rather exclusive country club designed by Alister Mackenzie was this, “I’m a member, but I don’t belong.”  

A simply great guy.
Howard was a humble man.  He enjoyed nice things, but it was the simple things in life that he really loved, like champagne cocktails at the cottage on Sunday afternoons, or smoking a cigar with the boys on the back deck while Judy served up some of her amazing hors d’oeuvres.  Ok, I guess “simple” is relative, but Howard came from simple beginnings, and while he enjoyed the richness of life, he knew that his greatest blessings were his loving wife and his beautiful family and friends.  

His tears.

Howard had battled with health issues for several years.  When faced with his own mortality, he became very cognizant of what really mattered in life.  He was quite emotional when it came to recognizing life’s blessings.  Howard couldn’t get through a toast without fighting back tears.  He choked up when talking about Judy, the love of his life.  His shoulders shook in silence when he tried to fight back the tears, and he would usually just give in to them.  I loved this most about Howard.  He was a deep, caring man with a huge heart. 

I could go on, but I'll end for now with a little prayer that Howard always added at the end of his pre-dinner grace.  We have made it our own, and we always think of "Grandpa Labadie" when we say it.

Howard, may your soul, and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.

Big love to the entire Labadie family.

Honoring Others

I read an entry in a daily meditation book today, written by a cancer survivor. 

He wrote this about how his way of being changed post-cancer…

I enter every meeting with another being saying to myself, “If I only have this time on earth with this person, if I may never see them again, what is it I want or need to ask, to know?  What is it I want or need to say?”

This is quite the opposite of how most of us live.  We fully expect to see our friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances again and again.  Think of your day today.  Who did you meet?  Who did you speak to?  How would your conversation have gone if you knew today were your last encounter?  What would you have said or asked? 

Here are a few of my encounters from today, and some things I would have said…

family next to me in church –We really didn’t have time to visit, but your family is beautiful.  Your little toddler girls swaying together to the music were so sweet to watch, and your adorable baby boy with the huge brown eyes that sparkle made me wish we never lost that spirit of pure love.  As I stood next to my 20 year old, 5’ 10” daughter, all that I could think of is the song “Don’t Blink”.  Enjoy every minute.

Mona – Thank you.  Thank you for always giving, going the extra mile, and smiling.  You always have the most warm, welcoming smile.  You do so much for our church and our community, with so much grace and humility.  You are an inspiration.

Michelle – I don’t really “know-know” you, but I feel like I’ve known you all my life.  You are funny, kind, generous, and just great to be around.  You are an amazing mom, and that is clearly your most cherished role in life.  Trust yourself.  You’re doing great.  Keep being and sharing your awesomeness.

Amanda – It is so cool to watch you teach.  You teach like you live… really open to experience fully whatever the moment brings.  I love how engaged you are, how funny you are, and how you live and love this life.  Keep growing and living big!

Lindsay – My funky friend.  You always make me smile, or crack me up… usually both.  You know that I think you’re amazing.  I know that you know that we’re both exactly where we’re meant to be.  I’m just glad to call you my friend.  Firework. That’s you.  Shine on.

My kids – (I can’t say all that I want to say in this blog.  My kids would kill me, or die of embarrassment.)  I love each one of you beyond words.  Being your mom is the greatest gift.  I mean that.  You probably can’t fully get that until you become a parent, but it’s true.  Always choose love over fear.  Trust yourselves, you’re awesome.  Do what you love.  Know that all that you need is already within you.  Keep the faith.

I love you Hailey.  I love you Reid.  I love you Carter. 

Who did you encounter today? How would your exchange have been different if it were the last time you ever saw them?  What might you have said/asked? 

I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  Imagine that every person you meet has something to share with you to help you on your journey.  Imagine that you could help, through word or deed, each person you encounter.  What if that were your purpose?  How would that change how you see and interact with others?  Honor the exchanges, even the little ones.  Every life matters.  Every person could use a lift from time to time.  Be the one.  Make a difference.  Today.

Trust

I’ve been thinking a lot about trust these days.  I’m a pretty trusting person.  I tend to take people for their word.  I’ve always been someone who says what I mean, I speak the truth, and I hold the same expectation of others.  I know that isn’t always the case.  I trust anyway.

I am very trustworthy.  I'm a good listener, and people trust me with their innermost thoughts.  Those who know me well, know and trust that what they share with me stays with me.  There are very few people of whom I trust completely.  I actually think this is as it should be. 

Then there’s trust at the deepest level.  Reliance.  When you don’t even consider the matter of trust, because you just know.  Through a deep connection, you rely, trust, from your core. 

When basic trust is broken, say, an untruth spoken, 

I can usually see behind the scenes, some insecurity, pain, or brokenness.  I try not to take it personally.  I push back my trust zone for that individual, but I go on trusting people.

When trust is violated at the deepest level, it can totally rock your world.  It has.  But how has it changed how I trust people?  I don’t know if I can fully answer that question.  Right now, I can say that trust is a choice.  Choosing to not trust people just isn’t even in my DNA.  I may listen with a more cautious ear, or unconsciously go along with what you might say to me, even if I’m not completely trusting it as truth. 

I’ve had trust violated in long-term friendships and relationships.  This kind of violation shakes me to my core.  In some cases, it’s a deal-breaker. It can forever change the way I trust that person, but it doesn’t change how I trust all people.  I still choose trust.  You extend it, nurture it, and grow it into something deep and meaningful.  Some may say that if you can’t trust someone you’ve known intimately for years, you can’t trust anyone.  The way I see it is, you have to start any relationship with trust, an openness to what is possible.  I won’t allow my faith in humanity to be broken by the imperfections of human beings. 

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”  Amen Ernie.  Open up and trust.  It’s the only way to live this beautiful, messy, unpredictable life. 

Don’t just do something, sit there.

Yogic transformation.  Inquiry. Inquiry. Inquiry.  Spend a week dedicated to inquiry, meditation and practice, and you’re likely going to see some aspects of self that could use some fixing.  I just spent a week at Menla Mountain Retreat for Baptiste Power Yoga Institute Level 2 Teacher Training.  So what did I learn?...

I am a concern for looking good.  Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me?

It’s the unanswerable question that I take with me all…of…the time.  We all have one that plays in the background of our minds.  Am I good enough?  Do I belong here? Just give it a little thought.  Bam, there it is.  And how ridiculous it sounds. Even more ridiculous is how we fuel the need to know the answer to that question.  It forms how we listen, speak, interact, our way of being, and it doesn’t mean squat. 

We have this crazy need for everything to mean something.  Try this on.  Remove meaning, judgment, significance, and just be with your experience.  We humans are so good at creating story around EVERYthing.  We can add meaning to the way someone looks at you, or doesn’t, what someone said, or didn’t.  We create reality out of bullshit stories. 

So, how to “fix” you?  Start by not trying to fix anything. When you know yourself, you can shift patterns… transform. Real transformation is the ability to let things be.  Observe, see how things show up, be in the moment with your experience without past cluttering your view.  Let it be.  Now, drop the past and all those “I’m this way” stories, and choose a new way of being.  Grounded being. Clear slate. Be in the now, and you’ll know how. 

This present moment. It’s all that we have, moment by moment.  The more present we are, as teacher, parent, friend, human being, the richer our lives will become.  Only then can you really experience the experience.  I taught two classes yesterday, and I’ve never felt more grounded and present with my students.  Each and every one.  This is a great gift.

Level 2 was full of lots of other nuggets, insights and truths.  The coolest thing about the experience was getting to know some pretty amazing people on their journey, sharing from their essence, making the program so powerful.  Witnessing transformation before your eyes is so incredible.  I shed a lot of tears, and my capacity to love and let people in has expanded.  Playing small and holding back are simply not options anymore. 

Right now, my new way of being is of strength and possibility.  I’m giving up the lies that I’m alone, and I’m not good enough.  Screw that!  This is who I am. 
(Level 2 declaration, pre Magic Carpet Ride!)